When I was growing up, I don't ever recall anyone ever asking me the direct question 'how do you feel?'. My parents didn't ask me because their parents didn't ask them. It's time to come through Door #12 to begin to break the cycle and understand how we feel and how to express it.
Newsflash: humans have feelings yet most of us can't name them. When someone asks me how I feel, my typical answer is 'great' or 'fine' which most of the time, thankfully, is the truth. But I'm not always great or fine, I just don't have the words to express it and in my 40's learning how to be aware of feelings.
When you are not able to express your feelings you suppress them - just stuff them inside awaiting an exit at some point in the future and usually pointed toward someone who was not responsible for making you feel that way in the first place. That someone is usually the people closest to you. The guy in the car driving home pissed you off so you came home and yelled at the kids or your spouse. Kinda screwy when you stop to think about this.
There are sooo many things we can use to hide our feelings: money, tons-o-stuff, drugs, alcohol, humor, silence, anger, fear, fake happiness, competitiveness, anxiety, abuse, excessive anything....you get it. Not knowing how to express your feelings is a form of self-abuse because the person it ends up hurting the most is YOU! Another newsflash: once you start to understand your feelings and then express them, you are not going to turn into a pansy. I promise.
Earlier this year, my awesome business coach Kathryn, came to do a workshop for our team and the foundation was communication. None of us had any formal training in communication - shocking to me actually. We are all well education, well adjusted adults but have never been taught, in or out of work, how to communicate. So, she started us with the basics: state a feeling and then a thought. Easy. "I feel as though you never take me seriously" Wrong. "as though you never take me seriously" is NOT a feeling. Think about how many times you say 'feel' and then following it with an actual feeling - happy, mad, glad, sad, frustrated. Rarely. "I feel sad that when I say something important I am never taken serious". Correct. And the energy that comes through the latter sentence is powerfully different - it takes away the defense. Catch yourself doing this. It's an epidemic!
Feelings start with thoughts and then pass through your body. You'll notice this when you hang behind this door for a while. Most of us have the thought and are masters at stuffing that 'feeling' deep inside somehow that we miss the opportunity to actually feel.
Many times it's difficult to articulate our feelings but when we do, with someone that we trust, everything gets better. Your communication is about how YOU feel versus placing blame on someone else - it's not about them it's about YOU.
Feelings = emotions.
Professionally, the motto is 'leave your feelings at the door'. Many households have this motto too. Knowing that we all have feelings and we spend some much 'time' working or in your home, who the hell came up with the idea that you shouldn't express your feelings all the time? It's totally ridiculous. You don't need to be an emotional wrecking ball but once we all accept the truth that we have feelings, then we can opening express them and move on. It's that simple.
I *state a feeling* when *state a thought*. Simple.
Notice how your body changes when a feeling comes over you. The obvious one is when you may get embarrassed (starts out as a thought in your head: I look like an giant ass right now)and your face or neck turns beat red (feeling expressed in your body). There are obvious ones and there many subtle ones.
Notice when you have a positive feeling - what happens?
Notice when you have a negative feeling - what happens?
The more you become aware of how you feel, you will understand your thoughts and the easier you can express your feelings in the moment so you don't have to pack it away for another day on someone else.
Are you starting to see when you begin to "Open Doors" they are all connected? Anyone is welcome through any door. Start with how you feel when you open any of the the doors - what thought comes to you and how does your body react. The stronger the reaction, the more time you need to hang out there. Stop the cycle of stuffing!
I feel so grateful to welcoming you in. I'll see you here often.
With love,
Katie